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Dating is hard enough without worrying about financial compatibility. And it's not the kind of thing that's usually revealed over early-date drinks or dinner.

But since money is such a major part of any relationship, shouldn't you find out sooner rather than later?

As social media makes open conversations about money feel more normal, daters have more room to tackle the tough topics. And that may start with the dreaded D-word. In fact, new research suggests debt has become the new dealbreaker for many daters.

“If debt is constantly limiting someone's lifestyle, causing emotional distress, or delaying future plans, it will likely be an issue,” said Kiki Jacobson, a financial therapist in Wilmington, North Carolina. “A person who is heavily indebted can't comfortably afford vacations, nice dinners, or concerts, which forces their partner to be the one who must pay or miss out on the experience.”

So what's the best way to handle debt when you're dating? We tackle a few basic questions to help you decide how to approach the topic and weigh the stakes — whether you're thinking about your own debt balance or someone else's.

How much debt is too much?

First things first: Not all debt is created equal. How much someone owes may matter a lot less than how they got it and what they're doing about it.

For example, $150,000 of student loan debt and a thoughtful plan for paying it off is a lot different than $12,000 in credit card debt that stems from secrecy, avoidance, or impulsive spending, said Erika Rasure, a financial therapist and chief financial wellness advisor at Beyond Finance, a debt consolidation specialist.

In fact, in a survey commissioned by the lender Earnest last fall, 61% of respondents said they'd accept a romantic prospect's debt if they were actively paying it down. Far fewer would look past it if the prospect earned a high income or had a strong credit score.

When should you bring up debt?

Discussing financial struggles makes most people feel vulnerable, especially with someone you're still getting to know. No one wants to feel judged or misunderstood, especially over first-date apps.

But to identify whether your financial goals and values align, you don't want to wait until you're moving in together, either. Rasure suggests you discuss debt when the relationship gets serious but “well before your financial lives begin to intertwine.”

Sooner rather than later could also help you avoid falling for someone whose financial realities conflict with your plans.

“By having uncomfortable financial conversations now, you can prevent unwanted surprises later, after you've already invested so much of yourself into the relationship,” Jacobson said.

How should you talk about your own debt?

If you're the one carrying a balance, the key is honesty and an actionable plan:

Be transparent. Debt doesn't define you, but hiding it can become a major issue. Sixty percent of people in a January survey by the lender Achieve said they'd end a relationship if a partner hid their debt or spending.

Share your plan. Again, a game plan for getting out of debt can go a long way to reassuring a potential partner.

Watch how they react. If you're honest and the person you're dating responds with contempt, shaming, or moral judgment, that's a red flag, according to Rasure. Look for curiosity and thoughtful questions instead.

“You're describing your financial reality, not admitting to a character defect, and you don't deserve an assassination,” she said.

How do you evaluate a partner's debt?

If you learn someone you're dating has debt, be honest with yourself without jumping to conclusions.

Gauge your comfort level. It's OK if you decide you'd prefer dating someone who is more financially stable, Jacobson said.

Pay attention to their financial habits. Are they budgeting and consistently paying their bills on time? Actions speak louder than words.

Avoid taking on their debt. Steer clear of lending them money, co-signing their loans, or funding a lifestyle that does not align with your values or goals, Rasure said.

Keep your finances separate. Jacobson recommends maintaining separate bank accounts and credit until you've built enough trust to be fully comfortable. And when the time comes to join finances, consider a written agreement that outlines who is responsible for what. This will help make sure you're both on the same page, Rasure said.

Bottom line: Being on the same page with money can be just as important as having other common ground. And ultimately, financial compatibility doesn't require a flawless record. It just means finding someone who shares your openness, respects your boundaries, and has a clear plan for the future.

Related Reading

Dating Someone With Debt? Questions to Ask When You Notice Red Flags (Credit Counseling Society)

Survey: Good Credit Score, Better Date? (Hily)

Can Debt Consolidation Break the High-Interest Debt Cycle? (SoFi)

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