How to Protect Yourself From Financial Frenemies
Many of us have heard of frenemies — those so-called friends who are also enemies in some way, causing tension and forcing us to deal with lots of passive-aggressive behavior or even downright sabotage.
But what about financial frenemies? These are people in your social or professional circle who pressure you about money, often undermining your own financial well-being in the process. They may guilt you into covering the bill, insist you splurge with them, or take every chance they get to one-up your financial accomplishments.
At best, having financial frenemies in your life is a challenge; at worst, it’s perilous. But don’t feel stuck if this is sounding familiar. Setting money boundaries, while sometimes uncomfortable, can make a huge difference to your sanity and your wallet. And let’s face it, with today’s increasingly unpredictable economy, every little bit of financial security feels precious.
Do You Have Financial Frenemies?
A financial frenemy can be anyone in your life who undermines you financially, regardless of motivation. Some are just careless or oblivious. Others, insecure or envious. A few may be manipulative or even malicious.
Mary Beth Storjohann, a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER® practitioner who wrote Work Your Wealth, groups financial frenemies into six main categories. The first three can actually hurt you financially, while the others take more of a toll on your mental health.
• The Entitled Frenemies: These people frequently ask you to cover them (“Can you spot me? I’ll pay you back!”) but almost never repay. They take advantage of your generosity (or hatred of awkward situations) — sometimes without even realizing it.
• The Budget Busters: These people often encourage reckless and wasteful spending, derailing your financial plans with lots of talk about treating yourself. (“You deserve it!”)
• The FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) Frenemies: These people pressure you to overspend just like budget busters do, but their motivation is tied to cultural pressures and the latest trend. This makes them short-sighted about their (and your) spending. (“Come on, just this once!”)
• The One-Uppers: These people constantly measure your financial choices against their own, trying to burst your bubble or pressuring you to keep up. (“You got a $1,000 bonus? Nice! I just got a $10,000 raise.”)
• The Priers: These people are just plain nosey. They are always asking money questions that make you uncomfortable. (“How much do you make? What did your car cost?”)
• The Green-Eyed Monsters: These people are envious of your financial accomplishments. They see everything as a competition, always striving to outdo you, and often blaming you for their insecurity. (“Must be nice to be able to afford that.”)
How to Handle Financial Frenemies
It’s hard to set limits with a financial frenemy until you face that there’s a need. So ask yourself: How often do you feel uncomfortable with a friend because of money? Do you feel resentful? Or guilty? What about patterns — are there certain situations that always seem to throw your budget out of whack? Do you feel regretful about your spending whenever you’ve just spent time with a certain friend? Is there one person who can make any conversation about money?
Setting boundaries requires some confidence and a willingness to feel uncomfortable, but it’s usually well worth it. Be prepared to refrain from certain activities and say no (an email or text works if facing them is hard.) In some cases, you may even want to cut ties with your financial frenemy.
While every situation is different, clear, consistent communication is critical to setting any limits. Here are some other helpful tips.
Stay Firm in Your Financial Goals
Friends often have different incomes. If someone tries to pressure you into joining them on an expensive vacation or a big dinner you can’t afford, be upfront that you can’t, and stand firm. You can even blame your financial planner (imaginary or not) to make it feel less personal, according to Storjohann.
For example: “That sounds like an amazing trip, but I’m focusing on my savings right now. Let’s plan something that fits both our budgets.” Or, “I wish I could, but my financial planner says I need to forgo vacations for a while so we can save for a house.”
Declare a New Policy
If you’ve got a frenemy (a close friend, a work colleague, or even a gym buddy) who always seems to forget to Venmo you after drinks out, blame your “new policy” when you tell them you can’t cover the bill. This not only depersonalizes your rejection, but takes the focus off of that specific interaction. After all, a policy is a policy.
For example: “I’ve decided to stop lending money to friends — it’s just a new policy to keep finances separate. Hope you understand.”
Redirect the Conversation
If someone is constantly bringing up money, comparing their financial situation to yours, or trying to get you to share financial details, try redirecting the conversation. Not only might it help you avoid being triggered, but it’s a kind way to let them know you just don’t want to go there.
For example: “Everyone has different priorities when it comes to money. I’m really happy with the choices I’m making for myself.” Or, “I’m not comfortable getting into details. It’s nothing personal, I just never divulge that sort of thing. Anyway…”
Surround Yourself with Financially Supportive People
Simply put, find friends who understand where you’re coming from. They don’t have to share your financial priorities, but they should appreciate and support them — and reinforce your responsible financial habits rather than challenge them. That said, don’t give up too quickly if your existing social circle isn’t supportive. Make sure they know how you feel. After all, no one is a mind-reader, and they may not realize how they’ve been affecting you.
For example: “I’d really love your support here. I’m trying to be more mindful of my spending, so I’d appreciate it if we could find activities that help me keep my budget.”
Role Play
No one likes being uncomfortable, but setting money boundaries is a lot easier if you can tolerate awkward situations. Try practicing what you would say to a financial frenemy by role playing with a close friend you trust. The harder they make it for you, the better you’ll get at navigating impromptu situations, so tell them to let loose!
When Money Boundaries Matter More
A financial frenemy’s bad influence can be particularly damaging when your job or financial situation is less stable. That’s precisely when you shouldn’t be making impulsive purchases or taking on unnecessary credit card debt. So don’t feel guilty or selfish about setting clear limits and forging healthier relationships. You deserve to prioritize your own financial well-being.
Image credit: Bernie Pesko/SoFi Source: PeopleImages/iStock
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