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Most of us learned it early on: The first rule about money is we don’t talk about money. (Fight Club, anyone?) It could be construed as rude if you’re telegraphing how much your shoes cost or asking someone how much they make, as Miss Manners herself will tell you. But experts note that brushing all manner of money-talk under the rug can lead to financial issues and shame. For example, shying away from talking about finances with your spouse or partner (think: spending habits, debt) could lead to resentment and household budgeting problems — and even contribute to breakups. And when parents don’t teach their kids about money management, they could grow up to make subpar financial decisions. A Pew Research survey from last year suggests that talking about money significantly contributes to financial literacy: Among American adults who said they are knowledgeable about personal finances, nearly half said they learned a great deal or a fair amount about it from family and friends. The good news: Attitudes around money-talk are changing as parents embrace financial education, more states adopt pay transparency laws, and social media influencers make it feel normal to share financial details.

Money Talks Are on the Rise

“Money used to be very taboo. But I have noticed young people these days being more open about it, which I actually see as a really good thing,” said Dr. Ashley LeBaron-Black, an Assistant Professor of Family Life at Brigham Young University. LeBaron-Black said that childrens’ financial literacy improves when parents are open about money. The benefits extend to romantic relationships, too: "Lots of research has shown that the most high quality marriages are when spouses are fully transparent with each other about money.” Each successive generation is more likely than the last to report discussing money with their friends, according to a January survey by MarketWatch Guides: 64% of Gen Z respondents said they talk about finances with their friends, compared to only 16% of Silent Generation respondents. Two-thirds of parent respondents in a Fidelity Investments survey from last year said they are discussing finances with their kids. That might not have been the case for previous generations: Over half of adults said they never discussed family finances with their parents while growing up, though 82% wished they had. “Parents being open about money with their kids is really helpful for children’s financial learning,” said LeBaron-Black. Another factor contributing to a more open money dialogue: The rise of finance-focused influencers (aka “finfluencers”). “I've been sharing my life online since I was making about $24,000 a year. I currently make $87,000, and I just got a raise,” said Sarah Wilson, who has nearly 100,000 followers on her YouTube channel, Budget Girl. “Talking about money normalizes it… And it helps us trust each other.”

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Finances?

If money talks, then why is society so hesitant to talk about it? For one thing, financial literacy wasn’t prioritized when many of us were growing up, so it’s easy to see why broaching financial topics might be uncomfy. You can’t speak French unless someone teaches you, n’est-ce pas? A lack of financial education can lead to overspending, taking on too much debt, or shying away from investing because you feel you don’t know enough. Avoiding conversations around salaries can prevent people from boosting their earnings. All of this can create unnecessary shame and trauma. Eventually, that can lead to people avoiding conversations about money entirely (or even ignoring their bank balance). “When people feel ashamed about something, the natural human tendency is to hide it and not talk about it,” said LeBaron-Black. People also worry about making others in their social circle uncomfortable if they’re in different financial situations. Our society places a high — sometimes toxic — value on wealth. It’s easy to conflate net worth with self-worth, and though they are not the same thing, people might shy away from discussing money in an effort to avoid judgement — either because they fear they don’t have as much as others do, or they feel they have more.

How to Break Past the Money Taboo

Conversations about strategies for saving, investing, budgeting, and managing debt tend to boost financial literacy. And knowledge = financial empowerment. “Money doesn't reward silence,” said Wilson. “Keeping it taboo is only going to hold you back and keep you poor.” Here are few ways to responsibly open up the dialogue:

•   Find your circle: The place to be really open about money is with family, particularly with a spouse or partner and children, said LeBaron-Black. Finding a supportive online community is another option, said Wilson, though don’t assume all advice is good advice. Watching how other people discuss money can be a learning experience, too.

•   Test the waters: Wilson advises taking a light approach when first broaching a financial topic with someone. “Toss them a couple of softballs. See if they have any advice.” After all, everyone wants to feel like they can help someone.

•   Be mindful of your filter: Remember, you’re in control of how much you choose to share — and with whom. LeBaron-Black recommends keeping this in mind when talking with very young children about details you might not want everyone to know.

•   Normalize differences: You don’t have to be on the same page every time. “Money is tied to a lot of other deeper things in relationships, like trust, respect, and values,” said LeBaron-Black. Recognizing that everyone has different ideas, financial situations, and expectations can go a long way toward being able to talk about it.

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